Much has happened last year in 2023, that has challenged me in ways I haven't been challenged before. I do believe that the Lord allows us to go through things that will grow us. However, I am not sure I have grown, but I think I have grown closer to God.
For me, this year has brought a tirade of false accusations from people close to me, and not so close. Being falsely accused has been a fear since I was a child, yet it really never happened much until this year. As I addressed each accusation to call it out and state the truth, it seemed to make it worse. I had to set boundaries as there seemed to be no way to reconcile, and false accusations kept coming. I value peace, and love, but not pretend love. I can't pretend. I have to be authentic and genuine to the best of my ability.
God also showed me my own anger at being disrespected or dishonored. Why did this cause me anger? Why did it matter so much what others thought of me or said about me? Why were my opinions not being considered? Why was my voice ignored, or worse scoffed at. Didn't God give me wisdom? I have so much wisdom that my heart wants to share, but no one is interested. Niceties are exchanged but there is no depth, and when I try and express something deeper it is met with defensiveness. It seems so strange, and not at all what I had envisioned being older would be like. I can see how the elderly get depressed. All of their wisdom is thrown in the trash because it has no value.
Then a friend passed away of cancer. I cared for her the last few days in the hospital. I had to make difficult decisions as her healthcare director, but I felt the presence of God in it. Her last moments were filled with praise, worship and peace. This was something I had never experienced before. I miss her, but I can see her dancing in heaven. Someday we will meet again.
She left me as the executor of her estate. What a mess she left. A result of decades of a co-dependent, abusive relationship, I was left to try and mediate, and enforce her last will and testament. I could have refused the appointment, but I felt compelled to take on the challenge. I think God wanted me to do it. Could I learn and help out her children and grandchildren? So far, it has been an ongoing battle, and more false accusations, but God continues to guide and direct.
Then our dear house church that I have attended for 14 years began to fall apart. Leadership decisions were made that didn't feel right, and eventually resulted in it suddenly closing it's doors. We were on our own... again. Now what? Where did God want us now? There came a certain freedom, and feeling of peace. Maybe I didn't need to save the world. Maybe it was enough to sit at his feet and worship him. Maybe it is enough to be thankful for what he has done, and take the pressure off. Some sort of pressure to be and do.
I have discovered that I need to lean into the emotions that God has given me, and not resist them. Emotions are not the enemy, they are God given and God designed. Why do I resist them? As I lean into fear, or pain and lay it all before the feet of Jesus, somehow it drains away. Truth. The truth of how I feel is laid before him. No resisting. No making excuses. No judgment. No condemnation. This is the truth of how I feel, and as I bring it to him... he brings peace, and healing. I am so thankful for that. He is enough. He is the only good person. I don't have to 'try' and be good, I just need to rely on His goodness. Humble before Him, I thank God for life. All of it. I embrace all of life.
That is the place where He begins to work. It's a new season. A new beginning. Let go of the old, and look to Jesus to give a new vision of the future. A kingdom future. A bright future.
Then the light began to shine in the darkness. God had given me so many prophetic words about the future in early 2020 that I had not seen manifest. Did I hear wrong? Maybe, but no, I simply didn't anticipate the timing. I didn't understand how those words would come to pass. Things had to happen to bring about the word of the lord. What a lesson! To wait, and not doubt what God has said. To wait in faith no matter what I was seeing and hearing. Then to have it all suddenly manifest! What a glorious day! "Trump will triumph!"
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